Preparing for the Future: Building Good Communication from the Start

We recently spent a week with my in-laws.  While my relationship with my mother-in-law is slowly improving over the course of the two years that I’ve been married to her son, a full week felt loooonnnggggg.  Nothing major went awry but there were lots of little things – I’m not even sure she was aware that she was doing them – that slowly wore me down and by the end I had to work quite hard to smile and nod, and bite my tongue.

I did, however, have a great insight into the mother-in-law dynamic.  My husband and I have been trying to start our family and so while we were visiting, my mother-in-law pulled out a bunch of handmade sweaters and blankets that my husband’s grandmother had made.  I’m not sure if it was because I’d never met my husband’s grandmother, or if it was because these sweaters had been passed down through all of the grandchildren and had seen significantly better days or if it was the attitude with which these sweaters were presented, but it was hard to get excited about them.  I think a big part of it was that it was my mother-in-law’s expectation that we would want all of these sweaters – even though none of them came anywhere close to being a newborn size.  We were able to politely decline saying we’d like to revisit them when we have a child of an appropriate age for the sweaters.

As she dug through her Rubbermaid bins and held up sweater by sweater for us to admire, she began to talk about how we would communicate once we had a child – my mother-in-law lives an 8 hour drive from us and my parents live a four-hour flight from us and so both grandmas will be long-distance grandmothers.  It became apparent that she was quite concerned not only that my mother would have more screen time with our baby but that my mother would receive more photos of our baby on a more regular basis.  While I intend to do my best to make sure both grandma’s get their baby fixes, be it through Skype or sending photos, I did want to point out to my mother-in-law, who was now in full panic about getting to see our baby, that perhaps she should have spent the last two and some years developing a better relationship with me, rather than making me feel like a resented addition to her family.  If the communication lines between the two of us had been well established during the first two years of our marriage, pre-baby, it would be a much smoother transition to increased communication once the baby arrives, as opposed to going from zero communication to Skyping once a week or whatever the case maybe.

I’ve heard people say that if mothers want to stay close to their sons once their sons get married, they need to develop a good relationship with their son’s wife.  I totally agree.  I think we need to add to that, if you want to see your future grandchild as much as possible, start cultivating a good relationship with your daughter-in-law right from the start.  Don’t wait until there is a grandchild to start reaching out to your daughter-in-law and treating her like a welcomed addition to your family!

Treating Them as One of My Own

I’ve talked a lot about acknowledging that your child is grown and giving them the space to be a new separate nuclear family with their spouse once they get married.  I’ve talked about not expecting to be a part of their decision making unless invited in and not giving unsolicited advice.  The dynamic with your child should change when they get married – which means that your dynamic with your son or daughter-in-law isn’t going to be like the dynamic you had with your kid when they were a kid.  There should be boundaries, privacy and respect.  However, I do think there are moments when you should treat your son or daughter-in-law like they are your own child.

1.) Birthdays – If you make a big deal of your child’s birthday, or if you get them a gift, you should do the same for your son or daughter-in-law.  It isn’t your job to throw them a party, but make sure that you acknowledge their birthday with similar fanfare to your acknowledgement of your child’s birthday.  If you have no idea what to get them as a gift, ask your child.  They can probably feed you some great ideas, and when in doubt, send a gift card to a nice restaurant or something that would make a great date night for them and their spouse!

2.) Accomplishments – Whether it’s a graduation or a promotion or a new job be equally excited about your son or daughter-in-law’s accomplishments as you are about your own child’s.  Never let them feel like their accomplishments aren’t viewed as highly as their spouses.  Make sure your son or daughter-in-law know that you are ‘in their corner.’ An email, card or congratulatory phone call will go a long way.

3.) Losses – Be sympathetic.  While it might be easier to share your child’s losses because they are possibly also your own (for example, a death in the family), remember to be warm and comforting when your son or daughter-in-law experience loss.  You might not be the shoulder they choose to cry on, but sending them a short note acknowledging their loss will remind them that you’re aware of their loss and understand that they’ve lost something or someone important.

Your son or daughter-in-law will really appreciate your efforts when you treat them as one of your own!

5 Tips for Nailing the Wedding Speech

I attended a beautiful wedding this weekend – everyone was so happy and excited for the couple, the weather was beautiful and the bride was stunning!

As I listened to the speeches during the reception, I thought there were a few key things that make a good speech, whether you’re the parents of the groom or the parents of the bride.  After conducting a bit of research on Google as well, I’ve put together a list of 5 things to remember to nail your toast to the happy new couple:

1.) Know your limit – If there is one thing that you should make sure you do, it’s stay within the allotted time limit.  Shorter is always better.  While you may have a lot to say, if your speech is full of inside jokes or too many details, your audience is going to tune out.  Make sure you know what you want to say, don’t ramble and hit the high points.  Anything too in-depth you can save to share with your child and their spouse in a one-on-one setting another time.

2.) Thank the guests – As the parents of the bride, you’re technically the host of the event.  As the parents of the groom, you probably have many family members and friends in attendance.  While the bride and groom will be acknowledging and thanking the guests, it is never a bad thing to make sure the guests know that their time and gifts are greatly appreciated.

3.) Brag – Tell your child that you’re proud of them.  Tell them how stunning they look today.  Share a fond memory you have of your child.  Tell them what a great job they did putting together this event.  This is your moment to totally brag on your child.

4.) Welcome – Address your new son or daughter-in-law.  Tell them how glad you are that your child found them and how happy it makes you that they make your child so happy.  Share something you admire about your new daughter or son-in-law and make sure they know that you are welcoming them to the family with open arms.

5.) Words of Wisdom – I know I’ve talked about not giving words of unsolicited advice, but this is your opportunity to do so!  Share a piece of advice from your own experience or words of wisdom that have been passed down through the generations.  Keep it light-hearted and tell the couple that you’re in their corner and what a great couple you think they make!

Hopefully these tips will help you to feel confident, cover the important pieces and make your child and their spouse feel special, loved and welcomed!

3 Tips for Communicating Well

My husband and I just returned from a 5 day trip.  Upon arriving back in our home country and once again having cellphone service, we phoned our parents – mine and then his.  My mom answered the phone, delighted to hear from us and inquisitive to hear about our trip and new experiences.  We hung up feeling like we’d connected and like she’d genuinely enjoyed hearing from us.

We then phoned my mother-in-law who was also interested in hearing about our trip.  During our call, we also mentioned another upcoming trip we’d decided to take to which my mother-in-law made the comment, “I’m glad I’m hearing this now and not from social media.”  Once we’d hung up, I turned to my husband and asked if we’d forgotten to tell his mom about some major piece of news before announcing anything on Facebook.  He came up blank, unsure of why his mother had made this pointed comment.  We racked our brains for what we might have forgotten to mention to her that would have been important for her to know before the general public and came up short. While it was a small thing, it left a bad taste in our mouths.  One never enjoys being made to feel guilty about their frequency or depth of communication.  So I thought I’d share a few thoughts about how to communicate well with your daughter-in-law.

1.) Have low expectations – By this I don’t mean that you shouldn’t expect to hear from your child and their spouse, but if you maintain low expectations, you won’t be disappointed and you’ll always be excited to hear from them!  I know it’s not easy – someone gave me the same advice when I was getting married and it’s hard to not have expectations of my husband, but I’m certainly much happier when I keep my expectations low.  The result is that he vastly exceeds my expectations!  Not only that, but your child and their spouse will be far more inclined to communicate if their communication is delighted in, rather than being given the feeling that they are failing to meet expectations.

2.) Initiate communication – I know that my mother-in-law wishes she heard from us more often.  My husband works very long hours and does not have a great deal of free time to keep up with friends and family. I know that he makes a big effort to phone his mom at least once a week, but it doesn’t always happen.  Because of the strain in my relationship with my mother-in-law, I don’t make it a habit to phone her. However, if she feels she’s not hearing enough from us, I wouldn’t ignore my phone if she called for a chat.   In fact, I’d rather she picked up the phone and called me rather than resenting us for not communicating as often as she’d like. Mother-in-laws should feel free to initiate communication – just be careful to respect their time, avoid complaining and avoid unsolicited advice.

3.) Respect their privacy – As the mother, you might want to know all kinds of details about your child’s life but be prepared to respect your child and their spouse’s privacy.  They are now a separate unit and you aren’t entitled to know every detail.  If they are being hesitant in sharing details, don’t be pushy.  Recognize that they are setting boundaries.  While we don’t want to keep my husband’s mom out of the loop, we do find that she has a hard time distinguishing between information that we share with her because she is part of our inner circle and what we share because it is public information. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve overheard her telling someone details about us that I wouldn’t be sharing if I were the one speaking.  Because of this, we often withhold details that we don’t want to be public information.  If your child and their spouse ask you to keep something to yourself, respect their request.  Remember that your close friends aren’t their close friends!

I hope these tips will help you communicate well with your child and their spouse.  Good communication is the foundation of good relationships!

In Her Shoes

I’ve often reflected on why things are uncomfortable and strained between my mother-in-law and I and have wondered if there were things that I could have done better.  I’ve listened to many other women and their stories of the struggle to get along with their mother-in-laws and the walls they feel they’ve run into as they’ve tried to find common ground and a relationship that works.  The great question at hand is, “Whose responsibility is it to foster a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship?”  While I don’t want to point fingers, I do think that the onus is strongly on the mother’s shoulders and here’s why I think that:

A young bride hopes and dreams of marrying into a kind and loving family – she never hopes that her relationship with her mother-in-law will be strained. When a son brings his girlfriend or fiancee home with him, particularly for the first time, she is the one navigating a new situation.  She doesn’t know how things operate in your home or what the family dynamic is.  She is the odd one out and it can be horribly uncomfortable.  She is straining to make a good first impression, trying to learn the ways of her future family and has the expectation that her relationship with her future husband is one that is respected.

His mother at this point holds all the cards.  She knows the family dynamic – in fact, she’s the one who has fostered it and nurtured it.  While she might be a little nervous or is struggling to believe that her son is grown and talking marriage, she has the home court advantage. I think the best thing she can do to support the relationship is to be very inviting and welcoming of the future daughter-in-law.  This will go along way!

The main source of stress between mothers and daughters-in-law is the perception of competition – making the son feel like he must choose between his mother and his fiancee.  Intellectually, all mothers realize that when their son marries, he should choose his bride 100% of the time.  Every mother wants her children to have healthy, happy marriages.  But I think it is all too easy for mother’s to see through a skewed lens and not even realize that while wanting their child to have a healthy relationship, they themselves are the one’s standing in the way of that reality.

So, can I encourage you, mother-in-laws, to step into your daughter-in-laws shoes and to really reflect on the question, “Are you asking your son to choose between you and his bride?”  And if you are, can you be unselfish enough to support your son in firmly standing beside his bride?

Trust me, your daughter-in-law will notice and it will go a long way to enhancing your relationship with one another.  Let her know you’re on her team, not the opposing side!

#11 – Family Values & Preferences

Every family has it’s values – some are non-negotiable and others may more accurately be described as your family preferences.  When your child chooses a spouse, it is important that they choose someone who shares the same or similar values – especially those that fall into the category of ‘non-negotiable.’ But I think it’s easy to sometimes forget that some of your family values are really family preferences and your child may have chosen someone who doesn’t share all your family preferences.  Remember, this is ok.

I remember just days after our wedding, we were opening our wedding gifts with both sets of parents, and my new mother-in-law made a reference to hockey.  My mother and I looked blankly at each other and I said to my mom, “I think she’s talking hockey…?”  My mom shrugged.  My mother-in-law was appalled and told me, “Well, now that you’re part of our family, you’re going to have to love hockey.” You know what?  I still don’t love hockey.  Of course, if my husband’s family wanted to go to a hockey game together, I would go and make the most of it, but I haven’t felt the need to learn all the players names, buy a jersey or follow the league standings.

I think it can be easy to forget that your child and their spouse bonded over commonalities and have discovered new interests together throughout their relationship. Now that they are married, their family values and family preferences are going to be a blend of their two families, along with a dose of their new-found preferences.  

Here are some things to think through as you process the change in family values and preferences:

1. What family values do you consider non-negotiable?
2. What are some of your family values that are really just family preferences?
3. How are these family values and family preferences expressed in your family activities?
4. What are some family values and preferences that your daughter or son-in-law have that are the same as yours?
5. What values and preferences do they have that are different than yours?
6. Are there values or preferences you can identify that you think may be unique to your child and their spouse?
7. How can you be respectful of the values and preferences that differ from yours?
8. How can you communicate the importance of your family values and preferences in ways that respect your differences?
9. What preferences can you let go of, in order to focus on common preferences, when you are spending time with your child and their spouse?

#10 – Anticipating a Change in Family Dynamics

Family dynamics change and evolve over time – however, many of these changes happen slowly overtime, to the point that you may not notice until after the transformation has occurred. Your child getting married, however, is a bit more ‘on-the-nose.’ Guaranteed, family dynamics are going to change.  Some changes may have already occurred if your kid has been dating their spouse for quite some time and they’ve spent a significant amount of time in your home.  This might make the transition smoother.

The biggest change in dynamic is likely to be when the first of your children decide to get married.  Up until this point, your family has remained static, and bringing in another person is going to change the dynamic significantly.

You might be struggling with the change in the dynamic – feeling like your kid feels farther removed from you – and your other kids may be feeling some growing pains as well.  Here are some questions to help you think through the coming changes as well as consider how you might help your other children ride this transition well.

1. What family dynamics will be different once your child is married?  Do you view these changes to be positive or negative changes?
2. Do you remember how your family dynamics changed when you got married?  What were the positives and negatives of that transition?
3. How can you embrace these new family dynamics?
4. Are your child’s siblings struggling with the new family dynamic? How can you encourage them to embrace the transition?
5. How do your other children interact with their sister or brother-in-law?
6. Do you think that your child’s spouse feels welcomed by your other children?  How does that impact the family dynamic?
7. What feelings of loss do you see your other children exhibiting?

Remember that your child’s spouse is also going through similar changes on their side of the family as well – you’re not the only one affected by the transition.  Help your other kids to remember to be welcoming – making the new spouse feel unwelcomed will only encourage your child and their spouse to spend less time with your family.  Doing your best to embrace the new dynamics and committing to helping everyone have a positive experience will go a long way in creating a happy future family dynamic.

A Prayer for our Son’s Bride-to-Be

I came across this great post on Pinterest and it was too good not to share.  You can read more from this author here.

A Prayer for Our Son’s Someday Bride-to-Be

I pray that she will be full of beauty and kindness and wisdom.

I pray that she will be soft in heart and strong in spirit.

I pray that she will laugh at his jokes, put up with his teasing, and carefully listen to his deepest thoughts.

I pray that they will stay up late whispering their dreams and sharing their ideas.

And that the two of them will wake up in the morning as much in love as ever.

I pray that it will only be the beginning of a lifelong friendship between them both.

I pray God is even now preparing her to be his wife, just as I know He has been preparing our son to be a husband.

I pray that she’ll understand what it is to receive forgiveness. And be ready to forgive in return.

I pray that she will lovingly respect him and that he will cherish her always.

And, as much as I hope that she will be crazy-in-love with our son, I pray that she will love Christ even more.

And, yes, I pray that she will be able to pull an arrow out of his back.

But can’t help hoping that she will never need to.

Above all, I pray that their relationship will be one of beauty – filled with goodness and truth. A reflection of God’s love for His Bride.

Amen.

How to Deal with a Copycat Sister-in-Law

Did you know that when you Google, “how to deal with a copycat”, Google finishes the sentence by adding “sister-in-law”?  Maybe it is because I was the youngest growing up and maybe I was the copycat but I feel like this is a whole new experience for me – possibly because I thought being a copycat was something that fell in the realm of the junior high social scene and not something I’d expect to experience as I approach 30.

My sister-in-law shared her wedding video yesterday, reminding me again of how she ripped-off my wedding – from using the same song for the special music and the same music for the processional, to hunting high and low for the exact same ties for her groomsmen to wear so they’d be the exact replica of our groomsmen.  Throughout the day, I would find this bugging me and I kept thinking, “I’m a bonafide adult – why does this get under my skin the way it does?!”

And so, that’s what led me to Googling, “How to deal with a copycat” and discovering that I was not the first to feel like their sister-in-law was set on being their mini-me.  There were all kinds of search results, and I thought I’d share what I found to be useful.

Advice for Dealing with a Copycat Sister-in-Law

1.) Do your best to remember that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery – One article I read theorized that as women we don’t like to be copied because rather than making us feel flattered, it makes us feel like the person is trying to replace us. Certainly something to mull over as I try to understand why this mimicking aggravates me. So try hard to fight the feeling that you’re being replaced and remember that she probably just wants to be like you! (I know, it sounds easier than it is!)

2.) Support and encourage her when she does her own thing – This piece of advice was in the context of fashion choices, but I think it can be applied more broadly.  I’ve been on the receiving end of my mother-in-law’s attempts to try to be a part of our decisions and I’ve noticed when watching her interactions with her daughter, her daughter isn’t encouraged to make her own choices or decisions.  I think this might be the root of her motivation to be a copycat – she sees what I’ve picked being praised and knows that if she chooses the same, it should also be praised.  Likely, her self-esteem and self-confidence is lacking and so she piggybacks off of our choices and decisions. This encourages me to find ways to acknowledge and affirm her in stepping out and making choices and decisions of her own.

3) Announce your choices publicly – If it really bothers you that you’re being copied, make sure that when you make decisions, share them publicly.  Then when your sister/sister-in-law copies you, you can rest in the knowledge that everyone knows she’s imitating you.  More than likely, you’re the only one paying attention to her tendency to mimic you.

4.) Keep your preferences to yourself – Play your cards close to your chest – if you discover something new that you love or are wanting to try out a new hobby or past-time – keep it to yourself.  You don’t have to share everything with her and enable her to copycat.  While trying to hide everything may come across as childish and petty, it’s okay for you to keep a few of your special places and preferences to yourself.

If you have other pieces of constructive advice, feel free to post it here.  I’d love to hear your ideas!  Mothers and mothers-in-law, maybe this is something you can keep an eye out for and help your daughter feel confident in her own decisions and find her own identity.

 

#9 – Family Traditions

Every family has their traditions – some that have been passed down for many generations, others that you and your spouse started with your children.  When you welcome a new member into your family, finding the right balance between maintaining traditions and adapting traditions to include the new member are key.  Being open to the fact that traditions must adapt to include a new person will help the new person feel like a welcome new member rather than an intruder. 

Some people are more attached to the idea of tradition and resist change more than others.  If you know this to be true about yourself, be proactive.  This post will help you think through what might change, and how you can be prepared to keep the spirit of your traditions while opening them up to embrace the new member of your family.  This will go a long way to facilitating a smooth transition.

1. Think through your family traditions – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, summer vacation. What are some of your most cherished traditions associated with these or other holidays?
   1. What makes them special?
   2. What are the non-negotiable aspects from your perspective?
2. Which of these traditions will be affected by adding a new member to the group? How will they be affected?
   1. Will adding another individual change the dynamic in a negative way?
3. Is there a new tradition that you could incorporate to mark the change in the family?
4. Perhaps you are use to hosting the holiday event. What if your child and their spouse offer to host?  This might be a welcome changed.  However, this could mean that the event might not look the same as when you host it.  How does this make you feel?

If your child and their fiancé/e choose to spend their final Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter as single individuals separately, use this time to celebrate your cherished traditions in order to have some closure so that you can be ready to embrace the new dynamic in the year to come.